Most of my closest friends did not start off with fireworks. They started as slow burns.
We met in passing. We saw each other at networking meetings, kids’ events, community spaces, or work. We had short surface conversations, one coffee that felt nice but not life changing. Then, over time, we kept showing up. One more conversation, one more shared laugh, one more “hey, how are you really doing?”
Years later, those slow burns are now the people I would call at 2 a.m.
Two Speeds: Fast and Instinctual or Slow and Analytical
Most people lean toward one of two decision making styles. There are shades and overlaps, of course, but usually one feels more like home.
Fast and instinctual:
These people often know within 30 seconds if they like someone or not. They decide quickly, move quickly, hire quickly, and sometimes fire quickly. They tend to be energized by new people and new ideas. Their strengths are intuition, momentum, and the ability to make others feel welcomed right away.
Slow and analytical:
These people listen, watch, and collect data. They might like you immediately, but they do not fully trust the relationship until they have a pattern of experience to back it up. They want time to see if words match behavior. Their strengths are depth, steadiness, and long-term loyalty.
Neither style is more mature or more “right.” Fast-paced people can be incredibly safe and trustworthy leaders. Slow paced people can be avoidant and noncommittal when they sit in indecision too long. It cuts both ways.
What tends to be true is this:
Fast and instinctual leaders often have a wide network and move opportunities forward quickly, but they can overlook quieter people and underestimate those who do not match their pace.
Slow and analytical leaders often have incredibly strong core relationships, but they can miss out on great connections because things did not “click” fast enough or they did not signal interest.
Now layer this over your own history:
If you are a more slow and analytical type, you may see a trail of relationships that took months or years to deepen. Some became lifelong friendships or trusted colleagues. Others stayed polite and surface level, and you never totally knew why they faded.
If you are a more fast and instinctual type, you may not think much about connections that did not take off. You move on quickly. You might assume, “If they wanted to build a relationship, they would have.” You may not realize how many strong slow burn people have moved quietly in and out of your orbit.
A Story: The Almost Missed Connection
Here is a composite story that pulls together several real situations from workplaces and professional groups.
Alex owns a growing business and attends a monthly networking group. She is outgoing, decisive, and very much a fast connector. Within a few minutes of meeting someone, she usually knows if they feel like “her kind of person.” When she feels that click, she moves quickly: follows up, schedules coffee, and starts exploring ways to collaborate.
At the same meetings, there is another member named Jordan. Jordan shows up consistently, participates in discussion, and clearly cares about their work. They are thoughtful, kind, and prepared, but they are not big on small talk. After meetings, Jordan often chats briefly with one or two people and then heads out, rather than working the room.
From Alex’s fast paced vantage point, Jordan reads as “nice, but probably not that interested in connecting.” Alex thinks, “If they wanted to build a relationship, they would reach out”, so she focuses her follow up on the people who immediately match her energy. What Alex does not see is the slow burn happening on Jordan’s side.
Jordan is paying close attention. They listen to how Alex talks about her team, how she responds when a meeting gets tense, and how she describes clients. They notice whether Alex does what she says she will do between meetings. They watch how she treats the server when the group orders food. Jordan is not distant. Jordan is assessing.
Month after month, those small data points start to add up. Alex consistently follows through. She gives credit to others. She owns mistakes publicly instead of blaming. She does not trash talk competitors. All this gradually builds trust for Jordan.
Several months in, Jordan finally sends an email: “I’ve appreciated your perspective in our meetings. I would love to talk about ways our businesses might work together.”
From Alex’s perspective, the relationship “comes out of nowhere.” In reality, it has been quietly forming for months.
Now picture the alternate ending. Imagine that, after a couple of meetings, Alex decides Jordan is not worth the effort because they do not jump in quickly enough. She stops making eye contact, stops asking their opinion, and stops saying hello at the door. Jordan picks up the signal and backs away.
In that version, Alex never sees what she lost: A value-aligned partner who could have brought her steady referrals. Maybe a future key hire. Maybe someone who would have stood by her during hard seasons because they took the time to really understand her.
That is the leadership cost of only operating at one speed.
Who are you accidentally leaving behind? This is where awareness becomes part of your leadership responsibility.
If you tend to move fast:
You bring a huge gift. You help people feel welcomed and included quickly. You keep projects from stalling. You create momentum.
The shadow side is that you might:
• Leave slow burners behind simply because they do not match your pace.
• Interpret “I need time” as “I am not interested.”
• Favor people who mirror your style, while overlooking those who show commitment through consistency rather than instant enthusiasm
If you tend to move slowly:
You bring a huge gift as well. You create depth and stability. People who earn your trust often get the best of you, and they know you are not going to disappear overnight.
The shadow side is that you might:
• Miss out on great fast paced people because their energy feels overwhelming in the beginning.
• Wait so long to show interest that they assume you are not interested at all.
• Keep relationships safely in the “observing” stage instead of stepping forward with a clear signal of trust or appreciation.
Either way, if you never examine your default, you are making leadership decisions based on speed instead of fit and alignment.
How this shows up at work
You can see this dynamic in:
• Hiring and promotions:
Who gets your attention in interviews and meetings? Who you “click” with fast. Who you quietly keep at arm’s length even if their performance is strong.
• Onboarding new team members:
Whether you assume the new hire should instantly feel part of the team, or whether you make space for them to ease in and build trust over time.
• Cross functional relationships:
Which departments you naturally collaborate with. Which colleagues you assume are “difficult” versus simply wired differently.
• Decision making and change:
How quickly you expect others to embrace a new strategy, system, or structure. Whether you give space for slow burners to process without labeling them as resistant.
If you are a fast-paced leader, people may experience you as open and accessible at the beginning but hard to keep up with over time.
If you are a slow burn leader, people may experience you as steady and consistent, but hard to really “know” or read.
Both styles can create psychological safety. Both can erode it. The difference is in how aware you are and how you flex.
Practical ways to bridge the gap
You do not need to change your natural speed. You do need to own it and adjust when it is getting in the way of your relationships and results.
If you are fast and instinctual:
Notice who keeps showing up.
Pay attention to the slow burn people in your orbit. Who is consistently present, prepared, and thoughtful, even if they are not the loudest voice in the room. Those might be future leaders and steady anchors for your team.
Use simple, clear invitations
Instead of expecting others to chase you, offer a low-pressure next step: “I appreciate the way you think about this. I would like to hear more of your perspective. Would you have time for a 30-minute conversation sometime next week?” Then give them space to respond. No chasing, no assumptions.
Separate “no response yet” from “no”.
When someone moves slowly, tell yourself, “Their pace is different from mine” instead of “They are not interested.” That small reframe keeps you from closing doors too early.
If you are slow and analytical:
Signal interest, even if you are not ready for depth.
You can say, “I really value how you show up in meetings. I tend to build relationships slowly, but I would like to keep this conversation going.” Fast-paced people hear that as a green light, not a rejection.
Take small relational risks.
Instead of waiting to be 100 percent sure, schedule a coffee, invite someone to sit in on a project, or offer a specific piece of encouragement. Treat it as a small experiment, not a lifelong contract.
Make your trust process visible.
With your team, you might say, “I usually need to see a pattern over time before I delegate fully. That is not about you personally. It is just how I work. Once I see that pattern, I move you very quickly into more responsibility.” This helps fast paced team members understand that they are not stuck in limbo forever.
Audit your calendar and your attention. Who gets invited into deeper conversations with you. Only the people who match your speed, or a mix.
For everyone, regardless of style:
Ask people on your team, “When you build trust with someone, are you more fast and instinctual or more slow and analytical?”
Learn how each person prefers to connect. Some appreciate quick check-ins and early involvement. Others feel honored when you give them time to think and come back later.
Reflection questions for leaders
If you want to apply this, try sitting with a few questions:
• What is my natural relationship speed at work? Fast and instinctual, or slow and analytical.
• Where has that speed helped me build strong teams and partnerships?
• Where has it quietly cost me opportunities or relationships.
• Who on my team or in my network might be a slow burn that I have not fully invested in yet.
• Who might be a fast-paced connector I judged too quickly.
This is not about choosing slow over fast or fast over slow. It is about refusing to measure people by how quickly they match our internal timeline.
Some of the most meaningful, high trust relationships in leadership do not start with instant fireworks. Some do. What matters is whether you are willing to notice the differences in speed, adjust your expectations, and keep the door open long enough for the right people to step through.
